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Good News

June 20, 2015, 9:58 am
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GOOD NEWS FOR TEA BREAKS

Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.
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The vibrator

June 20, 2015, 10:08 am
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As a mom passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing
noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked:

'what in the world are you doing?'

the daughter replied: 'mom, i'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as i'll ever get to a husband! Please, go away and leave me alone.'

the next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said:

'dad i'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as i'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

a couple days later, mom came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the tv.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'what the hell are you doing?' the husband replied: 'i'm watching football with my son-in-law '
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I owe my mother

June 20, 2015, 10:11 am
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01. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

02. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

03. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

04. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

05. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

06. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

07. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

08. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

09. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful
Parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
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The Perfect Password

June 20, 2015, 10:16 am
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A woman was helping her husband set up his
computer, and at the appropriate point in the
process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and
figured he would try for the shock effect to bring
this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer
asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly
obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating
each letter out loud as he typed:


P...E...N...I...S



His wife fell off her chair laughing when the
computer replied:

**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
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Desperation

June 20, 2015, 10:24 am
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Defence Attorney:

Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:

I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney:

Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:

There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:

Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:

No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney:

What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:

He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:

Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:

No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady:

It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney:

What happened next?

Little Old Lady:

He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney:

Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:

No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady:

His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:

What happened next?

Little Old Lady:

Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defence Attorney:

Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:

'No', he just yelled 'April Fool!', so I shot the b@stard.
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MAF?? p0089 1.5dci injection fault stop

June 20, 2015, 11:10 am
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Megane 05 1.5 dci

I've been reading through so many posts it is looking like i might have to do a fuel filter change and go from there, hoping it is not the fuel pump, checking other things like metal deposits, fuel reg etc etc.

But before doing this i thought i would hook up my laptop and go for a drive. Before i went i can confirm the code p0 089. In hindsight i should have cleared it.

I recorded the data and i got the injector fault stop like every ther poor man on the web. This happened a few times. But whilst looking through the data the air flow rate (maf) drops (measuring in .25 of a second) before i loose fuel pressure. Throttle body is in the same posistion throughout.

Any ideas?

Cleaned egr valve, new plugs etc etc.

Regards
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Trafic - Wipers Not Parking On Ignition off

June 20, 2015, 11:37 am
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So I'm into my second week of a 1 month warranty having just bought my 2011 Trafic SL29 DCI115, and I discovered today that when the wipers are on and I shut the ignition off, they don't park - they just stop where they are.

Having not have a Trafic before, I can't be 100% sure this isn't a fault, although I can't remember a car I've owned that doesn't park them, so before I take it back to get it sorted I thought 'd actually check here that this is faulty?
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New member from Sweden

June 20, 2015, 11:53 am
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Hello.

Just wanted to say hello, and say that I will pick up a one year old Megane 220 GT on tuesday from a dealer in Gothenburg. This will be my first Renault, and I´m quite excited about that. I currently own a SAAB 9-5 2.3t -07, that will serve as 2:nd car/ wife´s car. I´ve owned a M3 E92 earlier, but It really got the worst out of me, with really wreckless driving, so when I found out my wife was pregnant last year, I felt I had to sell it. I hope this Renault (sport tourer) will be a good everyday car and on occation a really fun car with punchy but not furious engine. Here in Sweden most people drive diesels, but I love gasoline, and I will gladly pay a few more quids for the joy of driving.

I live south of Gothenburg, and I work as an engineer at Ringhals Nuclear powerplant.

Nice to be here! :driving:
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a vets tale

June 20, 2015, 12:07 pm
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Ma'am, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100%, certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. £150.00!", she cried, "£150.00 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
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Dementia test

June 20, 2015, 12:14 pm
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>
>
> Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them
> instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
>
> Let's find out just how clever you really are.
>
>
>
> Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
>
>
>
>
> First Question:
>
>
> You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position
>
> are you in?
>
>
>
>
> Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
>
>
> absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place,
>
> you are second!
>
>
> Try not to screw up in the next question.
>
>
>
> To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the
>
> first question.
>
>
> Second Question:
>
>
>
> If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
>
>
>
>
> Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again.
>
> Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
>
>
>
>
>
> You're not very good at this! Are you?
>
>
>
>
> Third Question:
>
>
>
> Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.
>
>
>
> Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
>
>
>
>
> Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another
>
> 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
>
> Now add 10. What is the total?
>
>
>
> Scroll down for answer.
>
>
> Did you get 5000?
>
>
> The correct answer is actually 4100.
>
>
>
> Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your
>
> day. Maybe you will get the last question right?
>
>
>
>
>
> Fourth Question:
>
>
>
> Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
>
> 4. Nono.
>
> What is the name of the fifth daughter?
>
>
>
> Answer: Nunu?
>
>
>
>
> NO! Of course not.
>
> Her name is Mary. Read the question again
>
>
>
>
> Okay, now the bonus round:
>
> There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By
>
>
> imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully
>
> expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
>
> done.
>
>
> Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of
>
> sunglasses, how should he express himself?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.
>
>
>
>
>
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Hello!

June 20, 2015, 1:27 pm
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My name is Peter and I am Automotive Technician living in Folkestone.
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Auto lock not working

June 20, 2015, 1:35 pm
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I have a new Megane & the auto lock had been working up until now. When you walk away from the car, it is no longer locking automatically. I am having to use button on key card to lock/unlock the car. I have tried inserting the card, holding lock button in & display shows that auto lock is on.
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window regulator 1987 traffic van.

June 20, 2015, 2:42 pm
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Help please I have a 1987 Renault traffic panel van am converting both manual window regulators are broken. Are there any other Renault vehicles that would be a match for regulators or do I need to find a old van at breakers to replace them. Thank you for any advice u all can give.
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Renault Magazines?

June 20, 2015, 2:51 pm
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Are there any Renault Magazines that you read? There's magazines for most of the other cars i.e fast ford or generalised magazines like Autocar but I can't find anything for Renault.

Any suggestions?
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Clio III 1.2 Petrol Head Gasket

June 20, 2015, 3:08 pm
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Hello, this is my first thread and I have got a problem possibly with the head gasket on my Clio. I have "mayonaise" in the oil filler cap and a small oil leak (possibly from sump plug?) But the car runs fine, no extra smoke from the exhaust etc. The car is an 07 plate and has done 17,000 miles. Last serviced in march 2015 by my local main Renault Dealer/Garage. The car didn't have problems until after this service, could it be connected? I mainly only use the car on short runs to and from work (around 5-6 miles per day)

Ive got the car booked in to be checked at the Main Renault Garage again who serviced it but they cant view it until 14th July.

Bought this car from a well known dealer who also said it had been serviced when they received it. I have only driven 3,000 miles since I bought it.

Any other information needed then please ask, this is my first car so Ive tried to list as many details as possible

Any help would be appreciated, Thanks :)
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Hollywood Names

June 21, 2015, 4:23 am
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A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said “I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.....

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.


Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?


He reads the letter enclosed….


"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian

After I left your office I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.

I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke
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Killer Biscuits

June 21, 2015, 4:33 am
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*KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)*


*Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.*

*Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.*

*One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.*

*The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.*

*A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.*

*Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.*
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Grandfather of the year

June 21, 2015, 4:49 am
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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for candy, cookies, all sorts of things.

The grandpa is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy boy." The boy has another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, son."

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the shopping cart. Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," says the grandpa, "but I am William. This little b*****d's name is Kevin".
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A bit of humour

June 21, 2015, 4:53 am
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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr Jones, at your cervix."

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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

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On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

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In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment."

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Outside a Exhaust Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

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At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

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At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."

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And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

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And the best one for last............
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
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observations

June 21, 2015, 5:12 am
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Why did Frank Bruno get a medal just because he's good at hitting people?

I'm brilliant at it, but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community service.



They say good manners cost you nothing. B0llocks.
I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.


If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Birmingham received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?



In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos
Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade).
China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy.
One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.
Anon, Bradford.


These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.


We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in London
beside her husband' during the war.
This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed
off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.


Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London.
That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the
Luftwaffe.


I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.


So Sting is able to sh@g his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
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