Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula
airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety
lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when
a flight attendant announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and
get in it !"
---o0o---
On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants.."
----o0o---
On landing, the stewardess said,
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to
leave anything, please make sure it 's something we'd like to have."
----o0o---
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane."
---o0o---
"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the
business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---o0o---
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
---o0o--
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a
flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening
the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
hell everything has shifted."
---o0o---
From a Kulula employee:
"Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat
belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works
just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate
one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
---o0o---
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite."
---o0o---
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
----o0o---
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
---o0o---
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
---o0o---
And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best
flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on
this flight!"
----o0o---
Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The
flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to
tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it
wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
----o0o---
Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy
and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to
fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in
your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left of our airplane to the gate!"
----o0o---
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
----o0o---
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady
walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it ?"
The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"
----o0o---
After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came
on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal.."
----o0o---
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next
time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
----o0o---
Heard on a Kulula flight:
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on
this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke
'em."
